I've stopped trying to be happy

I remember a friend of mine saying to me, are you happy? And I said, well, I have moments of being happy, but I've stopped trying to be happy because every time I wasn't, I thought I was failing. What I want is to be alive. And every one of these emotions has vitality in them. My grief is vital. My sadness is vital. My anger is vital. Even my fear is vital. And I want to be alive, not happy. You know, I want to feel my own pulse...